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Latest Update on - 16 February 2004

Graham's Reports - Serie K

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Serie K

Graham's views on what has been happening so far in Serie K...

(20th Aug) - Donkey’s leads the way…..Awesomely Awful…..Self-Degradation Society….

So the moment we had all been waiting for has come and gone…..yep England finally won a cricket match!!!…..but seriously folks….the season got underway last weekend…..and you know what that means don’t you???…..yep you got it 9 months of me drivelling on about nothing in particular on a weekly basis…..

…but first the auction…..I was asked to do an auction report and to be honest various things got in the way and I never got round to doing it……so here goes for a quick run down of what happened……

.....We all had a jolly good time ..... Players were bought ..... Nigel fell asleep (so did I before anyone says anything – but Nigel falling asleep is becoming  a bit of an Auction “closing ceremony” moment of late!!!) ..... Trophies for last season were awarded ..... I somehow seem to have ended up with both the Championship trophy for last season and the Wooden Spoon (!!!) at least I do if my fireplace is anything to go by (point of order here: I dropped the 3 trophies won by Robbo Sr round to him last night – and can you guess where they went? One would have thought that they would have been given pride of place somewhere amongst the pictures of his offspring etc etc….but nope…..they were dumped unceremoniously into the space behind the telly by Robbo Sr’s wife….still in their carrier bag no less!!) ..... What a laugh we all had at Robbo Sr and Nigel both trying to outbid each other for one Ugo Ehiogu….who at the time was due to be out for about 6 months!!! For the record Robbo Sr “won” the bidding ..... We all ate pizza ..... I still have enough beer left for next years auction ..... It all goes a little bit hazy from here on in – I did fall asleep after all!!

Before the main event a brief word about the first transfer window… bizarre….some bloke who couldn’t hit a barn door from a yard away last year changes hands for £6.5m….and generated one bid of £10.1m……while a highly rated top scoring Rumanian is snapped up for just over a million??….go figure!!! Seems there may be interesting times afoot when it comes to these monthly moments of madness…..

Anyway back to the events of the opening weekend and the moment we had all been waiting for….would our auction punts turn out to be a similar word beginning with “c” or would they be cherished members of our teams for years to come……this being a special season….our 10th just seemed to add to the anticipation……so what happened then I hear you ask??……well errrrrrrr Kev ran away with the first weeks scoring….his Giggs/Van Nistelrooy partnership combining to give him 13 points between them…..7 points from Saha and a single Alan Smith (no not he of the boring brummie accent – so down boys!!) strike combining to give Kev a first week haul of 21 points……anyone betting on whether Kev can double it before the end of October???!!!!….last years reformed Spoonist sits in second place with 14 points for the week just three points ahead of Robbo Sr…who’s 11 points were enough to keep him a point ahead of his younger bro…Robbo Jr….Nigel’s nine for the week were enough to assure him of mid-table mediocrity….and moving into the lower half we come across names usually associated with higher places (but then as I have been saying all week “it’s a Snickers not a sprint”!!!)…Mad Dog sits in 6th with 8 points for the week…..last years runner up and Chairman extraordinaire is in 7th with 5 points…..leaving Marek and myself holding the table up……but I’m ready for a surge errrrrrr sometime before Xmas!!!

(2nd Sept) - Julian “Minds The Gap”..Nigel bottom shocker!!!..Not a lot between 3rd and 8th

So here we are, 4 games into the new season, and a transfer deadline looming….is it just me or is it weird not being able to tinker with your team on a weekly basis???….this could explain why we find Julian at the top….never one for messing with his team….and apparently “forgot” the last transfer window….we find Julian top of the pack…so maybe it pays not to mess with what you have…….nah you know that can’t be true and it will be interesting to see how things stand in another month’s time…..anyway whatever the reason we do  indeed find Julian top of the pile with 55 points….with most areas  doing rather nicely for him too….from the unlikely pairing of Cole and Beattie up front….through to the midfield which has netted him 24 points in total so far this season Julian would appear to be what they call “on fire” in basketball…..well I for one wish someone would put him out!!!!….whatever next Marek in second place???!!!!…..wait a minute that is exactly where we find our favourite insurance swindler…errrr I mean broker…..yes a mere goal or clean sheet (3 points to the uninitiated which is probably no-one as if none of the managers read this site I can’t imagine anyone else will!!!) behind Julian is Mav…who appears to be basing his tactics on the Don Howe School Of Football Book 1984 with a massive 36 of his points coming from defence!!…to be fair a 30 point week has done Mav the world of good…..and that could be it to be honest….two horse race from the off….because the next team is a donkey!!! Yep Kev is in 3rd, 18 points behind Mav…and with only 11 points separating 3rd and 8th there is a lot of jockeying for position….Kev’s 5 points for the week probably have a lot to do with his rapid descent from the top spot to mixing it with the rabble…..and leaves him only a single point ahead of Robbo Sr who netted 15 points for the week…..Maddo takes up the mid-table position on 32 points…with surprisingly some defensive points!!!…Graham Y is a further 4 points off the Mad One with his much talked about midfield performing as expected….but none of the rest of his team managing to do the same!!!…GY’s 14 points for the week keep him a point ahead of Robbo Jr who netted 13 points and takes up 7th place….4 points behind Paul is our chairman in an unaccustomed position and has once again been heard to cry that his season is over before it has begun….and that he has given up bothering (actually I said worrying, but lets not let the truth get in the way of a good quote!!)…..a cry that has been heard for the last two or three years I believe…..and of course we all know that come the end of the season he will be there or there abouts……which only leaves us one place to talk about…..and for you Midsummer Nights Dream fans out there….Nigel’s bottom!!! Goodnight….

(15 Sep) - Julian holds his own (ooohh errrrr!!!…Graham’s pointless strikers….making plans for Nigel???

So after a week off…albeit with a bit of transfer fun in between....we’re back again to the up and down….the cut and thrust of the league that is forever El Pel’s…..and once again our leader….holding his own (ooohh errrrr again for extra comedy effect!!!) is Julian with 69 (ooohh errr fnarrr fnarrr) points….could this be the year that Julian goes from zero to hero (to paraphrase a former PGW team name??!!!)….a lot will depend on whether Beattie and Andy Cole can keep on notching up the points for the Smith-ster….and indeed whether Hernan Crespo can even get a game!!!….3 points behind Julian is the Codicote Kid…scoring a fourteen points to match those scored by Julian for the week….Mav appears to be relying on the unlikely double act of Shearer and Le Saux for his points….(which brings up something which was unheard of in years gone by….Manager electing to have Southampton defenders…what’s that all about then???!!!!)……chugging along nicely in 3rd place although 51 points behind the leaders, and with a 17 point week behind him is Kev…..although you have to ask if he is relying a little too much on his front men who between them have netted 38 of his 51 points so far….Year Of The Donkey???….we shall see…..storming up the league and into equal 3rd place with a top scoring 19 points for the week is Maddo….(who it should be noted has not one but two Southampton defenders in his team… he renewing his old University allegiances we have to ask ourselves??!!)…..leading the following pack…and 10 points behind Maddo is Robbo Sr with just 8 points for the week ……2 points behind Sr. is Jr on a 12 point week….a further four points behind in 7th place and with a 7 point week….is Graham Y….who could do with finding a striker who can actually score points…..5 games in and not a single point has come from his im-potent strikers…..not even an assist….so desperate is he that he is pinning his hopes on what is probably Leeds’ 4th choice striker against Leicester this evening…..and so onto 8th and 9th places….four points for the week from our esteemed chairman…..(could this be the season that he finishes below 5th for the first time ever??….I very much doubt it somehow!!)…..and in 9th we have as last week….Nigel…..making any plans Nige???……and there you have it….

(22 Sept) - Julian forges ahead….Donkey slips on his ass??….Chair and Vice in trouble…. 

So is it all over??? Is it a case of just how much Julian wins by?? I doubt it somehow….but the way things are going at the moment you have got to wonder if this years champion has already made himself known!!!….a further 22 points, the highest for the week, to add to his total see’s Julian edging closer to the ton mark….what unnerves me most though is that 15 of those 22 points came from his strikers…..Beattie appears to be answering all those that thought last season was a flash in the pan in the only way he knows how….with more goals…..Crespo has finally proved that he is more than just another expensive import with a brace on Saturday (and I’m not talking something that holds your trousers up here!!!)…and Andy Cole seems to have started scoring more than his one-time strike partner Dwight is reported to have done in certain night clubs of the land!!!!…you have to wonder whether his defence will hold out…..Birmingham, Man City and Southampton have surely  got to come undone at some point this season surely???…..but as things stand perhaps this could be the year that Julian really does turn the table upside down…..12 points behind Julian and with a respectable 13 for the week we have Mav who appears to be holding out….but over his shoulder and recovering from an early season dip is Maddo who’s 14 points for the week see him barge his way into 3rd place…..(errrrrrrr…has Maddo ever barged his way in anywhere???!!!!)….down a place and 5 points behind Maddo afer a 9 point week is Kev…..(do we vilify him until he gets rid of the big nosed cheating Dutchman up front???)…..up into 5th place following an 18 pointer is Robbo Jr leapfrogging his more senior sibling in the process…..the aforementioned Robbo Sr’s 13 points for the week including a goal from…shock…horror….Emile Ivanhoe Heskey…..and there ends the pack chasing Julian and Mav at the top….the 11 points that separate Maddo on 65 points in 3rd and Graham Roberts on 54 points in 6th being a mere trifle especially at this stage of the season…….leading the bottom three we have Nigel who climbs from the bottom with a very respectable 20 points…..all of them coming from defenders with the exception of the 5 donated by Steed Malbranque…..which only leaves two jokers to talk about…..separated only by goals scored….which in itself is a joke considering that none of Graham Y’s strikers have scored any points yet….Graham Y leads the way (which is in itself a laughable comment…but hey I can’t think of anything better!!!)…having scored a weeks lowest 6 points for the weekend….and Simon sits at the bottom of the pile (now there is something I never thought I would have to say!!!)…despite a 14 pointer… all that remains to be said is…..just whose idea was this stupid monthly transfer window that stops you from tinkering with your team when it’s all going wrong????!!!!!!……

(29 Sept) - Donkey gets off his ass….Fat Boy Slims down….It’s tight at the bottom…

And it came to pass that there would be a new messiah….that the Dog who is Mad would step down from his place at the forefront of the league and make way for a new idol….a new one to watch….and that the rest of the league should call him plainly “Big J” for after so many years in the wooden wilderness finally he is risen….oh how we marvelled at the way he has risen….from bottom to top in the blink of an eye….and a 19 point gap to boot…..and we are sure that he would have celebrated in the accustomed style of turning beer into pee (a trick he learned from his disciple Yatesy – who had recently “got his haircut Smith 1-0” – but was most noted for his ability to turn yellow liquid into Budweiser!!!)…but no he did not celebrate in this fashion….for verily he had a bad stomach and decided to stay home for the evening…….but all the time he was plotting and caniving….and putting together a force that would be marvelled at for years to come….a force led by people with strange names names such as David, Andrew and Juan Sebastian!!!…..and on the last weekend of September the “Big J” did score 15 points thanks to disciples David, David, Matthew and Kieron!!…and the Big J saw that it was good…..and on the Sunday he did not rest for that is when David The Long Hair and David The Penalty did score their points…..and the Big J did look down from the Mount Enfield…and he did see that a Donkey was after him…but 19 points behind…but that Donkey did carry with him a strange man…..whose body was that of a man…but whose face was the face of a horse….and despite his diving and cheating….the Horse face did score a hat-trick for the Donkey…..and then another player…..Steve Who Used To Be A Full Back got him another hat-trick….and so the Donkey scored 27 points for the week and did leap over his enemies and into 2nd place…13 points ahead of his nearest rival Mav The Impaler…….who got the seasons lowest score of minus 4 points…..which leaves him 4 points ahead of Robbo Jr and Maddo who share 4th place having notched 14 points and 6 points for the week respectively……(can you tell the drugs have worn off now???!!!)…..holding his own with a “brother matching” 6 points in sixth is Robbo Sr…who sits 11 points off the pace ahead of him…and 9 points off the ignominy behind him……and then we come to the bottom three…..a point between them….with Simon leading the way on 51 points after a 10 point week….which was enough to see of the challenge of yours truly who only managed 9 points (meaning a League Series beating by Simon too!!!)…..and no Graham Y’s strikers still haven’t scored!!! (this is becoming too much of a theme!!!)…….and on the same number of points…but losing out on (bizarrely) goals scored in bottom place is Nigel….who managed a 7 pointer!!!…………….and there you have it…..

(20 Oct) - It’s tight at the top…Maddo lies in wait….Simon’s bottom shocker!!!!…..

So after a break from the league while we all sat back and laughed at Beckham’s penalty miss (ok I didn’t laugh till the game was over but that DOES have to rate as one of the worst misses of all time!!)….and for me to add to my tribe…..we’re back in business on three fronts…..our brave boys (Maddo, Simon and Graham Y) went over the top for league and country in European competition for the first time this season……and surprisingly (given Graham Y and Simon’s current form!!!) came back with two wins (for Simon and Maddo) and a draw (for Graham Y)… the League Series (which is now 3 games old) Julian and Robbo Sr lead the way….with Simon showing that some things are going right for him by joining them in joint top spot…..Marek and the two Graham’s show everyone how not to do it with the traditional Norwegian score of “nil points” so far…..

….onto the main event….and Julian still leads after an 11 point week…..but is only a point ahead of Kevin who had a 14 pointer…..16 points off the front two but waiting to pounce is Maddo whose top score of the week of 26 points can be put down to an overall (and quite shocking for him!!) 13 points from his defence and 8 points from Mr Anelka…..with the rest of his points coming from elsewhere (obviously!!!)…

...Robbo Jr sits in 4th following an 11 pointer…..just 3 points ahead of Mav who managed a paltry 5 points (the weeks lowest score)….8 points behind Mav in 6th place is Graham Y who finally finds a striker to score him some goals and then watches said striker go and get injured in the last minute of a game against Leicester!!! Even worse the injury was caused by Muzzy Izzet who is also in Graham Y’s team!!!…..what with that and “Ferdi-gate” looming over him….Graham Y has good reason to be a little nervy right now…..although I wonder if the 13 points he has scored for the last two sets of games was an omen that it was all about to go a little awry!!…..a 9 point week and two points behind Graham The Y in 7th place is Graham The R who made a point on Nigel whose 8 points for the week leave him in 8th……which leaves the bottom spot which is occupied for the second set of games in a row by Simon….despite all his valiant efforts in Europe and the League Series……

(1 Dec) Donkey storms ahead….It’s lonely at the bottom..

Well I thought it about time I wrote another report before you all gave up visiting the site in the hope of finding one (like you did anyway!!!!)….not a lot has changed since the last report….Kevin’s still top and Simon’s still bottom….it’s just not as close as it was before!!!!……..Elsewhere Simon and Maddo look like they are on their way out of Europe (although Maddo has a slim chance of qualifying if he can win his remaining game and other results go right for him)….Graham Y on the other hand has qualified for the next round courtesy of another win this weekend that see’s him guaranteed top spot in his Euro league and a place in the next round… the League Series Kevin appears to be running away with it with a 5 point lead and a game in hand….with Marek and the two Graham’s being the losers in that particular competition with only two wins between the three of them….the rest of the teams being spread across 9 and 10 points…..

…..but to move on to the main event…..Kevin is still King at the moment….the months top scorer with 64 points…and now holding a 42 point lead….and whats more with Horse Face, Saha and Mutu in his team has the strike power to hold onto it…..that said it’s not that long ago that Kev was there or there abouts coming up to Xmas and made the prediction that it was in the bag…..and promptly spent the rest of the season sliding down the table!!!! So here’s hoping again!!!! 18 points in what was generally a slow week is a sign of Kev’s capabilities…..but will he use them???…..The other Naughty Boy sits in second place dreaming of the days a month or so ago when he held top spot and had weekly points totals regularly in the high teens and low twenties….instead of the single point he managed this week…..gaining rapidly on Julian is Mav….whose investment in an “over the hill” striker appears to be paying off…..38 points so far for Mr Shearer and I daresay there will be more to come (shame I can’t say the same for Sheringham!!!!)…..9 points for Mav this week…..and circling menacingly in 4th place….3 points behind Mav….is Maddo….who I am sure is waiting to pounce whenever Kev feels like slipping up!!!…much improved and the months second highest scorer (56 points) is Graham Y …..whose 13 points for the week probably took no-one by surprise more than him….. dropping into 6th place after a 6 pointer is the other Graham….who must surely be looking over his shoulder at his brother who is 5 points further behind in 7th…although he did get the joint highest score for the week with 18 points….and so to the bottom two….18 points behind Paul and with a creditable 16 points for the week is Nigel who finally breaks through the 100 mark….leaving only one team yet to achieve that feat…..and if you had to put money on the team that would be going into December with less than a 100 points…..not many people would have bet on our Chairman….whose nightmare continues….24 points adrift…..only 3 points for the week….and a distinct lack of players who are actually playing…..times are not good for the former two time champion…….expect wholesale changes come the deadline later this week!!!!!!!!!

(12 Jan) - Stop The Dead Donkey…(Not So) Mug (a) Punter…Spam Fritters (Away Points)

Well here I am again with another round of drivel and nonsense for your entertainment, after a somewhat enlarged Christmas break…..remember how when I last left you predictions were being made about Kevin’s lights coming down at Christmas, and how different things would be come 2004???……well I lied!!! The cry is still “Stop the Dead Donkey” as Kev continues to be top of the heap and has built up an (unassailable??) lead of 64 points…..which barring disasterous injuries to Van Nistelrooy, Giggs and Saha doesn’t look like being caught (and being as Kev is the man with the “connections” to arrange such injuries I can’t see it happening somehow….although to be fair if anyone apart from me is going to win it this year I’d much rather it be Kevin or Julian than someone who has won it before… moving on from Kev and his 27 point week….we come to a dark horse who has appeared from nowhere along the rails and appears to be making a dash for 2nd place…..with a highest weekly score of 29 points (11 of which from his front pairing of Henry and Hasselbaink and 12 from his defence) is Robbo Sr….the only consolation I can take from this being his inclusion of not one, but two Spurs players in his squad (how shocked was I at last weeks transfer window to find that he had gone for two Spurs players, and not only that bid cash on one of them!!! – does he qualify for expulsion from Highbury and instantaneous removal of his foreskin yet???)…..Graham’s 29 points for the week saw him outstrip his nearest rival and open up a 16 point gap over the same, namely Mav who bagged a mere 12 points thanks to a combination of Arsenal’s demolition of Boro’ which cost him minus 3 for Schwarzer and Paul Durkin who cost him a certain 3 points for Shearer’s “penalty that never was”….5 points behind Mav and with his star in the ascendancy once more is Julian who despite early season form has been unable to keep up with Kevin as was once hoped to form a “Naughty Boys” race to the tape…..but 19 points for the week see him jump over Slim Boy Fat who could only manage a 15 pointer to drop to 5th place….yo-yo’ing in and out of the middle section of the table and 10 points behind the Mad One is Graham Y whose 24 pointer was marred only by the fact that it could have been more had he not swapped Riise for Phillips and then listened to Simon’s omens of a Phillips hat-trick and Riise mauling but that’s FFL for you…..managing a quite frankly (I want to go home!!! J) pathetic (as it was a 2 game week) 4 points for the week (see Paul you should have taken my offer of Riise or Bernard plus a makeweight for Angel and you’d have had 7 points for the week!!! ) is Robbo Jr who now sits 19 points behind in 7th place…and hot on Paul’s heels is Nigel who is only 8 points behind following an 18 point week…which only leaves us to ponder if the unthinkable can really happen as we look at bottom place some 18 points behind Nigel where sits Simon who has never finished below 5th place before…time I guess will only tell……

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